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let me break the ice

Posted on 2009.05.21 at 04:02
OY. FUCKING. VEY. It finally feels like summer and I goddamn love it. Yeahhh nudity. Yeahhh skin photosynthesizing.

I attended the last class of my undergrad career today. It was held in a bar in town. I then felt like I was still three weeks behind the rest of the world, and really tired, and like I wanted to chill out a bit and celebrate before doing some work, but was too mentally weird to do that with any kind of sincerity or efficiency.

In the past few weeks, my dog died (that really sucked), I went to the Elton John/Billy Joel concert at the Xcel with my mom and sibs, and my roommates and I had our last big party. We live in an appartment in a dorm, but somehow crammed about 50 people at a time in anyway. The theme was "scandal", and there was plenty to go around. Lots of naked, lots of liquor, an absurd amount of drunken and/or same-sex action, an absurd number of people dancing in my fucking livingroom! To me, it was an appropriate karmic balance to the anti-scandalist sentiments which were annoying at points this year. My boyfriend wore underwear and assless/crotchless chaps; hot. I just wore underwear, and a chain around my neck with a marker attached and the instructions for people to write the dirtiest things they could imagine on me :P The only problem was that I was freakin out about a million things the night of the party, and was waaay to stressed until I made myself much too strong of a drink(s). Things were weird with Jordan when I saw him last...that wasn't too awesome. I feel like I'm sacrificing attention towards him for school, but I don't really have a choice. We did see Star Trek; great movie. Yes. Again.

I've been hurdling towards the end of the semester, trying to jump over the homework hurdle every day, and not too often succeeding. My French advisor yelled at me twice last week for putting things off and for my supposed "cavalier attitude". It was really damn annoying, and I didn't agree, but anyone in the major knows, there is NO arguing with her, period. However, she apologized for being too harsh on me this week. Hah. And like I pointed out to her, c'est si français, quelque chose comme ça, non? Comment est-ce qu'on peut imaginer une prof française autrement?!

Both last weekend and tonight, I got opportunities to be bastardly towards the gays I don't like here, and I used both of them well. Petty? Maybe...but I don't care; I'm graduating, I'll do whatever the hell I want. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Screw the other senior gays & company here, they suck, and the new ones are better. I had a lil tequila and Sparks tonight, danced with friends, stole a bit of liquor (I fuckin hate when people throw house parties and offer zero liquor to their guests. Bitch mofos; that's a party foul outweighing the party foul of stealing liquor tenfold). Finished off the night running through sprinklers with a cool chick from Sweden who likes hookah. You know what, actually, there was a lot that made it a fitting way to spend my last night of college. So many issues and memories represented in some facet. New, old. Things concluded, cellar doors opened. All in that perfect microcosm Gustavus way. The past 24 hours were a blur. As was the past week. The past semester was a blur; the past year was a blur...yeah, and college was a blur. My life is the scene from Paris Je T'aime with Nathalie Portman and the blind French dude. You know how I know that? Because I loved it, and then I found out it was directed by Tom Tykwer. Of course it was, bien sûr. Quelle génie.

Here are the three things I am looking forward to:
-the chance to get everything done and graduate, completing a much-too-long feeling cycle of...something not good.
-seein my boyfriend again and makin up a bit...+ his amazing ass.
-Senior Week and Wakarusa, both of which will be 100% indulgent and guilt-free.

Oh, yeah, and random thing of the week: a distressed juvenile squirrel followed me into my appartment two days ago, and refused to leave. It did, however, chow down on granola I put in a small bowl and immediately curl up inside the bowl and fall asleep. It didn't seem to like water, but it chugged an entire small sauce-container of buttermilk Natalie gave it, so we think it was recently weened. It wouldn't leave until two days later when we made it return to the wild. It was last seen nibbling on an acorn, but now that it's apparently gotten over it's freakish need for people, we think it may survive. Here it is:


the past couple of whatevers

Posted on 2009.04.15 at 01:03
Well, I haven't updated in a while because believe it or not, I try to avoid splashing my emotions all over the place when I suspect I'm just "in a bad mood". I haven't called my friend Hilary (studied abroad with me in Rennes) for basically the same reason...because I was always waiting until I felt like I had time and like I could call and not have to either fake "I'm doing well" or dump all my problems on someone I just need ta "catch up" with, after months and months. It's been too long, and that opportunity doesn't seem to have appeared. If it's just a mood, I've been in this mood for a looong ass time, and what is it then? I'm giving up and posting now.

The beginning of the semester was ok. I started feeling like passive aggressive sentiments with my roommate were reaching maximum capacity and a showdown was imminent, but I let off some steam in needed ways. One, I chilled with a sausage fest of "typical straight dudes" again (I have noticeably missed out on testosterone living with chicks) by drinking with my old roommate at his place. That was good but my updated look into straight dude world led me to the conclusion that many are still boring. Two, I started hangin out with a freshman chick who I like to describe as "doesn't give a fuck". I'm not exactly sure how to explain that characterization, but if you interpreted it negatively in any way, you are part of the problem. You can still not give a fuck and simultaneously give a fuck, in fact you can even give a fuckton of it. I think I just need to be around people who don't get so caught up in life they feel like they have to play by it's tiny lil rules and regulations. Otherwise I end up feeling like no one ever pushes me and like I'm slowly contracting social claustrophobia because of everything that's Bad or Wrong or Not Good. I don't know why, but I just don't like that.

Which brings me to something I've been thinking all year: I'm really not a fan of feeling like I live in two places at once. My life has felt bipolar. Too bad, given I want to specialize in foreign studies, but that's a whole nother issue. Having a boyfriend in the cities and diploma in the country isn't easy. You have to stretch to reach both, you can only use one hand to hold onto each, your arms get tired. I probably visited him too often, but I was always scared of what would happen if I didn't, and the fact I really wanted to and not be here didn't exactly help me mentally put my foot down and get ahold of myself. I've also become pretty resentful towards GAC. After four years, I don't think anyone can criticize me if I say I'm tired of people here being lame. I don't mean to bash this place, it's given me a good opportunity, but that came with the price of living in Saint Peter and amongst Gusties. Who could, on the whole, be likened to a bunch of kids from small towns playing at a giant mansion in Edina. People from Minneapolis are a world apart. People from freaking Saint Louis Park are a world apart!!! What the F@#%^!!! You can just feel it. And at least to me, it feels like lame. There are a lot of positive attributes to GAC. It tries, I like that, it's gorgeous, I like that, people are pretty conscientious, I like that. But for some reason, I will be leaving feeling that all those things are eclipsed by those which make me feel bitter. Everyone leaves, the gay community here sunk into the abyss, and I felt sheltered most of the time. I'm pretty sure these aren't just my own problems superimposed onto The Hill, because while I've changed and bantered back and forth endlessly, this opinion and attitude seems to have more just slowly solidified into fact.

It is an understatement to say that I have a lot of work to do in order to graduate. The advice well, just do what you're doing now, but do it better and be more responsible is terrible advice. Damn, I never thought of that before! Counseling didn't really work; because the counselor was an airhead. I'll be adding that to my list of Gustavus phails. I tried something else I suspected might be the solution to my academic problems, and guess what, it started working a bit. The first few days I started taking adderall, I felt like an emotionless zombie...which was a godsend, since I definitely didn't need any more emotions and independent thoughts distracting me at every turn. It's pretty relieving to sit there, mind turning pages instead of turning into Spin Art, which is what it always, always, always, does. Possibly what alcohol is to life, applied to academic life, something to take the edge off and make it tolerable. Unfortunately, a lot of my friendships have suffered because of everything written before this sentence. I've been mentally elsewhere for a long time. Not anywhere specific, just reeling. Those I wanted to cultivate I didn't (because I felt like I never had time...no one has time, but there you have it). Those I wanted to end on a great note sort of ended when I stopped playing. I could join back in when my instrument isn't so dirty but the anthem will probably be over. Also, keen observation: when everyone seems happier than you, you simply don't want to. I now have a weirdly amusing and comforting understanding of what it's like being a senior. Do you warn underclassmen? Do you just fade away and become the interesting semi-friend you hung out with once, do you tell them what they'll find out, does it just not matter at all because that's the circle of life of college.

I haven't had/found/done enough to release the creativity I used to cherish this year, like the real me has gone into stasis far too many times, and hasn't actually been present that often. I thought living with intelligent people would allow that, and to an extent it did, I was just too distracted and irresponsible to realize the potential. I've been in a cycle of trying to catch up to my life instead of actually living it. It's why I like to rave, which I've done twice this semester (appropriate)...I've said it before, but it makes me feel alive, the end. I really hope entering the real world doesn't mean imagination has to take a backseat to reality forever...I'll see where I am in five years and get back to myself on that. So, it's on to the end of the semester, and like every summer preamble, I have a persistent want for an awesome body, and it's going to be hard to get that with a crazy sleeping schedule, which I will need to have if I want to get all my ducks in a row. I'm feeling quite a bit of guilt and pressure about what I'm doing afterwards; it's a complicated scenario and hopefully I'll work a lot of it out before the end of the semester. If I can drink cactus tea once and graduate with a certain other part of my life intact, I'll be pretty happy.

blue dolphin

Rifted Heart: Putting the L in P.L.U.R.

Posted on 2009.02.17 at 01:17

I haven't updated in way too long. Or, I have, but nothing I wanted to share. It's been weird since last semester ended. It wasn't great. I was havin all kinds of issues. Aftermath of a baaad semester. The relationship thing was also getting interesting...at a critical point at a stressful time. I just felt like I couldn't post until I felt more balanced. I went at least an entire month of having terrible sleeping habits, being haunted by neverending work and the school-boyfriend tug-o-war, and my own inability to deal with it all and think I could by just trying again the next day the exact same thing but better. That doesn't really work. Then break came, and I went a month with not doing much, thinking, becoming a bit of a stoner (interesting), and realizing the point at which pot becomes unappealing to me. Wow, if that is what "addicted" is, that shit has nothing on me. Once again proving that liquor is more dangerous in basically every way. New Year's Eve came, and I got to kiss my guy the moment 2008 became 2009 though...I'm going to remember that.

Well, I post now because I went to a rave and something in me came back. I was stressing out about the beginning of the new semester, and Valentine's Day, and what I was going to do for Valentine's Day, and if it would be good enough, and if I could afford to go home the first weekend or if I was starting the pattern that doomed me last semester all over again. Jordan and I were going to go to a nice restaurant I found, but my sister and some friends really wanted to go rave it up, and Jordan had just found out he'd gotten into a much better school, and it just seemed like a good moment to dance the night away on the candy that is synonymous with the word "love". Say what you will about it, but when people are rolling, all the bitchy attitudes fall away. The pointless club-ho competition. The posturing (and frequently homophobic) man-bitches who think they're the shit (and who think they dress amazing when they all dress the same). People enjoy themselves, and enjoy touching and skin, and feeling good, and being alive. In an atmosphere that, more than most other party environments, revolves around (original) music and dancing. Instead of trying to look rich and hot and being drunk and dramatic. And there totally is a group vibe. It's why it's so easy to make friends...the barriers fall down, for everybody, people aren't afraid of making contact without the claws bared. I got nothing but compliments on my Goodwill zebra pants all night, heh.

The DJs were excellent, and the lights were pretty bomb as well. The first-timers with us were really fun. Driving home groovin and laughin while rolling always is. I was talking a mile a minute. I felt like a different person, like myself hopped up on A SHITTON of caffeine. WALKING TO THE CAR/APPARTMENT IN MINNESOTA WINTER WHILE ROLLING IS NOT FUN. Gloriously lounging in the hot tub once you escape the ice-age and watching the sunrise through the large windows next to the hot tub while rolling is amaaaaaziinnnggggg and feels like swimming in heaven. We had a "straight" friend who tried his hardest to prove his heterosexuality with the effed up chicks there allll night get significantly less straight with the boy who likes him once we came home and crashed (funny how that happens). And I don't know if I slept at all, but I do know I laid in bed with Jordan having one of the most intimate experiences ever. A few hours of feeling how much I like him, physically and mentally and both in one, feeling close in a sexual way that isn't really sexual. And after all the stressing out I've been doing, that's really what I needed. I was relieved to finally sleep again last night dammit, but it was well worth it. It feels like I've been recharged again. MDMA was once used in therapy and goddamn, can it be therapeutic.

The first day of classes felt like nothing but doomsday to me. It's my last semester. I don't want a repeat of the previous. I'm a lot more optimistic now though, as opposed to a resurfacing depressed. Ironic that the party was called "Rifted Heart", because it definitely feels like mine was sewn up a little. I bought Jordan "The Little Prince" in French for Valentine's Day, and I thought it was appropriate. The world is harsh, and America just loves it to be that way, but it really doesn't have to be if you make pleasure more important than pain. Dessine-moi un mouton, s'il vous plaît.

hi friend, hi friend, hi friend

Posted on 2008.12.20 at 16:11
Current Music: Deadmau5 featuring McFlipside - Hi Friend
Well, this is just ridiculous and pathetic, but the semester is over, I'm home, and I'm still working on stuff I didn't finish. What the hell. Haven't seen J since Thanksgiving break...and I feel pretty terrible I can't hang out with him now because I like to screw myself over so much for some reason. Wow. It's eating into the time I have to get things done before Christmas too...which is kind of a lot. The semester from hell is now fuckin up my break. Crazy. I can't wait to be done. -_-

Last night I listened to www.di.fm a little bit and damn...I miss electro again. And psychadelics, which I only used once this semester. I'm feeling like I should do something cool for New Years to get rid of all the bad vibes and bad decisions from the last few weeks.

Posted on 2008.12.17 at 05:14
I've been way too mentally distracted for the past month, which has meant little to no substance or meaning, mostly just operating. I am not a fan. With 48 meters left to go, my legs are already tired and the hurdles are massive. Like always...yet somehow, worse. Damn I'd love to outdo myself in the other direction for a change.

Priorités après:


hookah and the paper FROM HELL

Posted on 2008.11.26 at 21:30
Current Mood: moodymoody
Last week: Jordan got me a hookah for my bday...I'd say that may be one of the best presents I've ever gotten, since I freakin' love hookah but would never think of asking for one. And I'm kind of a hard person to buy for since I don't really know what I want since ya know...I'm not used to buying anythin for myself besides necessities (liquor is a necessity) to the point I really don't desire much else.

On a current and incredibly frustrating note: it is Thanksgiving break. I am typing an essay that I absolutely must finish and do well on because it is two days late and because I'm pretty behind in the class it's for already. I have been working on it allll day. Aaron is fiiinally back. Jordan is going to the club (which I haven't been to for months). And I am drudging through a 300 page text about the history of agriculture. Whyyyyyyyyy.........???!?! fff*F*C*K*! I can't even tell which side of Donovan is sabotaging the other (Fun Donovan or the once strong but now teetering on the brink of extinction Academic Donovan). Ok, yes I can...but it is a VERY untimely rebellion and I am displeased with everything, particularly myself. ANGER! >:(

Gahhhhhh what a weekend. I performed tecktonik as one of the acts for the International Festival, and it was a bit of a mess. It'd kinda been stressing me out as the last few days got busier and I had less time to come up with somethin. Haha, it became abundantly clear shortly after I got on stage what a difference being on a few rickety risers instead of a solid floor makes when trying to do acrobatics. It's like a lot of the momentum you can put into taking off is negated and all the stick you need in order to keep your balance turns into wobbliness. Kinda interesting. It almost felt a tiny bit like being on ice.

Well, after my "performance", I finally felt like I could relax, kickoff my weekend, and enjoy bein around Jordan more, who I'd been looking forward to seein again aallll week. My friends and I threw a joint birthday party for Lauren and myself, which turned out pretty awesome. We had a lot of people over in my tiny-ass appartment, unabashed in their intentions to have a good time. I played a lot of house music, and people seemed to really dig it considering our living room kinda transformed into a dancefloor. Everyone was gettin their groove on! So fun. Later there were people making out all over the place, and considering quite a number of people left to go hook up, there was a looottt of lovin going on. I woke up to pry my contacts off my eyes in the morning, and the kitchen looked like a bomb had gone off in it, lol.

Saturday I saw Quantum of Solace with Jordan. Fuck I love the new Bond! Whoever is in charge of the way the franchise has turned gets my admiration. Everything about it is just so much sexier. I love the gritty action everywhere, and the fact Bond has to be so much more physical. He's a hot mofo and they aren't afraid of showing that off like most movies directed at straight guys are. The new Bond girls are their own characters instead of objectified plot device accompaniments, and they're even dangerous and get to him emotionally. There's just something which allows me to appreciate these movies and the new Bond in a way I can't for a lot of action movies, in which the hero is pretty much devoid of sexuality and his women are nothing but fake commercial sexuality, and both are threadbare in terms of depth. There's a lot of twisting in Quantum of Solace, which is pretty great, and there's more scandalous material. It lacks a bit in terms of the crazy grandeur, but the villains are different in this movie, so it makes sense. Also; I think one of my new favorite things in the world is seeing the trippy intro sequences in a theater while baked. That was pretty damn gorgeous...the one for this movie is a little subdued, but the shifting sand/bodies motif is sexy and I like the theme song (still think it should've been done with Amy Winehouse though).

A fun party, time with the boyfriend, and a new Bond movie...basically all I could ask for in a weekend! Damn, I love hanging out with Jordan no matter what we do...but my weekends go by sooo damn fast it's ridiculous. We got a lil intimate time today, which rocked, but I still end up feeling a weird withdrawal when he either has to leave or I have to come back here. Makes me wonder what things will be like when I'm back in the cities for j-term and he's not 70 mins away...can't wait.

blue dolphin

BiPolar Halloween Extravaganza

Posted on 2008.11.07 at 04:31

Ok peoples. Halloween was pretty badass. Oh LAWDY I've been needing to get my rave on...and I got to go with a pretty awesome group of friends this time. I finally got a chance to show Lauren what a rave is like! That's been a long time coming...I mean, we finally got to roll and dance the night away together! I love showing people in my life why I like this kind of stuff, and exposing newbies to how fun it can be. I swear, there are so many who are missing out.

Well anyway! I went with two girls who live near/with me at school (both good friends), Jordan, a new friend of mine, and a Swedish exchange student. I was kind of hesitant about the latter two since I knew they probably wouldn't want to roll, but they were awesome and had a fun time nonetheless. In fact, the Swedish dude fuckin loved it and transformed into an unstoppable dance machine almost as soon as we got inside. It was also amusingly comforting to know we wouldn't have to worry about losing him in the crowd since he's about eight feet tall and was wearing a blond wig.

We put glitter glow paint all over ourselves. Jordan fucking covered himself in it. That was really entertaining to look at the rest of the night...being covered in glowing sparkles is pretty fun at a rave. It just looked magical and that's pretty much how the evening felt a lot of the time. For some reason I thought he looked super hot in the pimp hat + fake earrings too. It was like wandering around with a hot black psychadelic pimp.

It was pretty funny seeing the girls who came with us roll for the first time too. Hearing "I'm definitely not feeling it" turn into "woooo, I love ecstasy!" Of course there was a cuddle puddle and backrubs. The music was pretty good, there was an awesome electro-house DJ named Sally Mustang I really liked. Some guy came up to Jordan and I while we were talking to this chick, steps in front of her and was like "hey are they giving you trouble?"...lol she said "no, they're gay" and just kept talking to us. I swear something like that always happens. We spent the last hour or two in the main room, which was pretty sweet. I definitely didn't feel like leaving by the end, but headed home more than satisfied with how the night had turned out.

We got back to my place around 6. Jordan and I stayed up to smoke, and my mom was waking up, so we smoked with her and stayed up talking until 9am. That was kind of funny, because Jordan was definitely still rolling and I was baaaked, so I just sat there and listened to my mom and my boyfriend have a two hour conversation about their entire lives. Then we went up to my room, and let's just say being pumped up on x and waaay too many energy drinks turns me into the energizer bunny...hahaha.

Good times. The rest of the weekend was pretty much devoted to recovery which was fiiine by me.

rantCollapse )

pinch me

Posted on 2008.10.27 at 09:54
sappyCollapse )

blue dolphin


Posted on 2008.10.23 at 04:10
Break flew by at warp-speed. Where in the f%$# does the time go. Friday night I went to Rosen's with Jordan and one of his guy friends, heard some dude tell a story about guys trading sex for fried chicken in prison. Then we slept in biiig time, watched movies, had a party at my house Saturday night since my mom was gone (so we had to!). The combination of getting to hang out with him and usually drinking too much makes weekends go by way too fast. He was sick so we took it a bit easier the rest of break, just chilled and smoked the other two nights. I met his sister, which was interesting, but I felt kinda out of it and she was pretty animated, so I probably seemed really quiet. The last night I just chilled with him in my bed and watched The Animatrix...we'd smoked a bit and he was just so damn warm and so damn cute it was amazing grahhh. Man, people who don't smoke dooon't know what they're missing.

You know, I am so much happier now than I was this summer. What a stupid waste it was. Which was aaawesome, 'cause I had so much time on my hands (thanks to not finding a job) to feel like crap. It was like me versus an infinitely huge grey wall. Makes me feel like I don't have enough control over my own life, fate's just gonna throw out bad times and good times and watch you revel in them or struggle. And repeat. Makes me nervous something's gonna go wrong. And I really, really, don't want anything to. ARGH.

p.s.; watch Teeth. It's a hilarious horror movie about a girl who discovers she has chompers in her vajayjay. If you got any streak of feminist in you, you definitely have to see it. Perfect for Halloween. Bear in mind, the trailer really sucks.


Posted on 2008.10.15 at 01:29
J-"It would be weird to see your boyfriend become a woman but still have a dick. But don't worry babe, I'll still support you."
D-"Well then, I suppose you'll be paying for my boobs."
J-"...only if you let me tittyfuck them."

The drag show turned out pretty damn nicely. Things were chaos the entire afternoon and I was running on one hour of sleep, but everything came together surprisingly fluidly just before showtime. Both Roxy (the drag queen I hired to emcee the show) and all the acts were pretty entertaining, and the crowd seemed to love it. We had a drunk French bitch electro act, a pervert candyman + little girl Aqua act, a spoof highschool musical act, we even had a McCain + Palin act! I performed When I Grow Up by the Pussycat Dolls. I was a bit stressed because I hadn't had any time to come up with a routine, and didn't even have time to make sure I could dance in the heels I bought until the show started and Roxy was performing hers! I didn't slip though so hooraaay. I brought Jordan onstage at one point, grinded with him a bit, and then we madeout. Definitely couldn't pass up the opportunity to have a crowd cheer for making out with my boyfriend onstage...yeah, that was cool. Confused highschool Donovan never pictured himself doing that, during a drag routine, no less. But I think it's hilarious that every year, it's so much easier. Damn, dancin like a ho in crazy outfits for money would be fun. After I was done with my act Roxy turned to Jordan (who was sitting right next to the stage), stroked her hair and was like "sooo...do you like blondes?", haha. Ron came back to visit, but wasn't his usual self...and I miss him, for as much of a bitch he can be, I miss having a gay dude friend here, and the others are all too clique-ified. Fuckin gay dudes. Jordan being as cool as he is just makes me want to give up on the community here completely.

After cleaning up the show I was SOOOOO ready for a freakin drink you DON EVN KNO. We had an atypical mélange of people at the apartment, because the idiot Q&A house didn't have anythin goin on at their place...bitches. WHY don't I have a house, I'd throw crazy parties in it all the time. It was pretty fun though. I woke up next to Jordan and he was freakin cute as hell in his lil white underwear. We stayed in bed way late since we were way hungover and/or tired. Those three little words came out and got returned, which felt pretty damn awesome. I've been wanting to say them. And feeling anxious. 'Cause that's what this boy does to me. Hardcore. To the point when I'm feeling down I just think about him and feel better and then can't stop thinking about him. It's like a coke habit...more addictive, though. We visited the sauna, tried to get my friend high, watched Ghost in The Shell 2. Later involved more drinking and smoking. Sunday I got lunch with Jordan, he went home, and I smoked and went on a walk that felt like it took hours. But I felt indulgent because, well, my boyfriend said he loves me. Wasn't gonna spoil that high with futile attempts at homework.

That kind of happiness made me remember times when I've felt it before. My first rave, a lot of France, Circus of Freaks. I'm listening to www.di.fm again...and I can definitely say, it's been too long, electronica. It's been more than a month. Fucking no. I require EDM sustenance to get as happy as I know I can be. No one at Gustavus even knows what it is! Wonder how life would feel if I got that every weekend...oh well, I'm going to BiPolar 2 soon. I need a Halloween costume I can get sweaty and dance my ass off in!

blue dolphin


Posted on 2008.10.10 at 00:19
...is the 25th Annual Gustavus Drag Show (ok more like 5th). And so far...it's a bit of a mess. Sigh. The past week has been a mix of random problems, plus the performer I hired/a bunch of the acts canceling on me and me begging more people to be in the show. Why do I have to beg gay dance/theatre majors in Queers and Allies to be in a drag show sponsored by Queers and Allies...? YOUR MAJOR INVOLVES DANCING IN FRONT OF PEOPLE AND ACTING LIKE SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT; DO IT BITCH!!! GET YOUR ASS ON-STAGE AND DROP IT LIKE IT'S MOTHERFUCKING HAWTTT!!!1!4u%h!!#!$ I have a nice soundsystem for the caf, I have my emcee/performer I hired for big $$$ back, and I have twice as many acts as I had earlier today. The thunderclouds are parting. But damn; that was hectic.

I'm pretty damn sure I'm gonna be dropping my stupid Modern China history course (which I should never have signed up for in the first place), but at this point I'm on bad terms with my Age of Conquest professor --- let's just say I hope he let's me stay IN his course. Dammit. Sometimes I wish I had a robot companion who would inject me with ritalin or taser me every time I put off writing a paper. It's name would be Shockatron 5000, and it would also have an appendage with a can opener digit, since I am living off canned food these days. It could taser my canned soup and heat it instantly, then inject ritalin into the soup and serve it to me! Genius.

Maybe it's stupid...but I'm pretty anxious about being in drag in front of my boyfriend. Which is funny because I couldn't give a fuck about being in drag in front of basically anyone on the planet. Doing a routine to How Many Licks in front of the pope? I'd grind that mofo! Ok no I wouldn't; he probably smells like old man. My point still stands. It's weird for some reason...probably because I finally found a dude I like who's not like other gay guys and it would kill me if that changed his image of me for the worse.

I am going to smoke SO MUCH this weekend and not feel the least bit guilty. Until Sunday rolls around, at which point I will attempt to homework my ass off.


and so begins the insanity

Posted on 2008.10.06 at 11:44
Wow. I am crazy. This is getting ridiculous. I spent all weekend with him, it flew by in the blink of an eye, and I just got back to school this morning. Now I basically can't function because I can't stop thinking about him. What the heeeelllll. Can you say addicted? I also think I had way too much coffee. It's like I have freaking ADHD. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

We went to a gay party (20 gay guys and 6 girls crammed in a tiny tiny house) and I felt like I had to be on guard the whole time. Or like...anticipate subtle digs. Or somethin. Ew. Can I just get gay guys who don't talk to fast or too loud and have zero attitude please. Also, tight jeans and Hollister plus typical hair; no. I don't even care about fashion and I already know that not only is that look old, but sucked in the first place. No more clones, please, it's the opposite of hot when it's vapidly unoriginal and 100% commercial.

I DON'T WANNA DO THIS WEEK. Hooray for the Nobel Conference. Arg...I need to be sedated. I feel like smashing something just to get rid of all this energy.


Posted on 2008.10.03 at 02:26
I%&^TyIU#Y3GlRK+&!#g! How does it already feel like I'm scrambling to catch up? I hate feeling that way, yet have operated as such, and have steadily gotten worse (yay for college!), for the past few years. Wtf is my deal. Ironically, if I was stressed out all the time, maybe this idiotic cycle wouldn't, ya know, haunt my life. Hm. Maybe there's a way I can get around it...'cause I'm not really sure how to fix it. And if you can't fix it, you've gotta stand it.*

I wish I could quit you!

*the short story Brokeback Mountain is based on is amazing. If you are gay and/or a slasher and have not read it, you've missed out. Willy Nelson would be (g)a(y)shamed.

Sparks and fractals

Posted on 2008.09.30 at 01:09
I got zero hours of sleep Thursday night, and was thusly very drained and anxious trying to finish up various things and clean the apartment before Jordan came down Friday night. So I wasn't really in the mood to watch the McCain-Obama debate, or talk about politics, or be around overly fanatical Obama supporters, but it was fine. Afterwards, drinks began to appear in my apartment, and people began to appear in my apartment, and I felt myself relaaax and put on music and have a good time. Took advantage of the fine weather and went to hookah by The Man, which was fantastic. We smoked and things got a bit more entertaining. There were acrobatics, one chica had a pretty funny stoned freak out, and at one point we were laying with heads in eachother's laps, and broke out singing Because (à la Across the Universe) since it was just too hilarious not to.

Saturday night Jordan, Lauren and I ate some boomers and chilled in my apartment for a while. The two of them just sat around giggling and observing (very cute), and then we watched Madonna videos and concluded they are designed for people who are tripping. Holy shit...watching Love Profusion was just freaking beautiful. Like looking through a magnifying glass which makes everything so vivid and glowing and magical. I still have this one image of her face which was so pretty and goddess like. The parts where she's rolling around on the water were pretty cool as well. Of course it was directed by Luc Besson. Later, we decided to traipse around outside. We looked at a tree, the leaves of which turned into a geometrically perfect kaleidoscope pattern in front of my eyes. Jordan thought they were talking, and at one point I got hypnotized just feeling the bark. There were colorful fractals again, even though I didn't feel like I was tripping that much. I played with Lauren's hair, which was endless silk running through my fingers. We ventured into the arboretum laying on benches, touching rocks, exploring the brush. We kept splitting up and randomly drifting apart without telling eachother, which felt oddly right, since I felt like I was supposed to go wherever my body took me, and that whenever we were supposed to find eachother again we would. I wish we'd gone back earlier since it was too dark to see many cool visuals, but doing something besides just drinking like always was stellar nonetheless. And I love sharing what is always such an interesting and amusing time like that with people I care about...just wish I could explore that with more people here.

Pretty bomb weekend. Seeing him and having a two day space of happiness is what I look forward to allll week. Though at the moment, I have so many random things to do I can't even keep track of it all and end up forgetting half of it. Endless emails, forms, deadlines, papers, schedules. I'm looking forward to the day when I can simplify my life a bit. No, a lot.


still in disturbia

Posted on 2008.09.19 at 02:01
The past month:

Circus of Freaks with Aaron is probably one of the coolest fragments of my life so far. It was 12 hours south of here, in a beautiful national park in southern Illinois. It took me to where I've been wanting to go since I got into this; and for the first time, it was too much. It showed me things I will draw inspiration from for years. It deepened my concept of my own sexuality. It was like an insane dream that I got to share with my best friend and someone I respect more than most other people on earth. Fuck seeking a closer relationship with fictional gods. Just go to a rave like that, use what the earth has given us, dance until movement becomes meditation, and climb high enough to see into your own soul. Someday, and hopefully soon, I'll update about it here...but I feel like I could write for pages. And pages. Aaron wrote all over his own body. I was still trying to comprehend and put it into words a week later. I frickin still am now.

After that amazing experience, I realized how close I was to my impending doom; returning to Gustavus. I also discovered something which made me happy when really, not much else did; Jordan. I tried to fit in as much time as possible with him before the end of the summer while ignoring everything else. We hung out, we hung out, we went to bars, we met eachother's friends, we got drunk, we got hiiigh, we did it a lot, we held hands, we got yelled at for making out in public, we talked about our families, we talked about gay stuff in a way I haven't ever been able to with anyone else I know and have them understand. Then we went to an afterparty rave downtown and disclosed a lot of feelings on a lot of x. It was an intense but precious night, and involved passionate things in places we broke into. Despite the fact I had a sprained jaw and large gash in my chin from taking a nasty fall into some cement (sooo stupid). After leaving the building the rave was in and stepping out into sunny 8am Minneapolis, we wandered around shirtless waiting for a bus, rolling, touching. I don't think sun and skin have ever felt better. He left later that afternoon, and I felt better than I had in a looong while. But I still had only three days of (a confusing and melancholy) summer left.

It made me worried I'd only be seeing him on weekends after the semester started, since we'd still only just started seeing eachother. I was/am infatuated. And was REALLY NOT happy about being back at school. When people were all excited to see me again, all I really wanted to say was "fuck this; I don't want to be here". I was sad for an entire week or so. It felt like I'd reversed my life and was going to become pre-France Donovan again; and I didn't want to. I smoked a bit, and that helped. After week number three, and after Jordan came down to visit me, things are feeling much better. I'm more optimistic about my living situation, and my theory everyone here would be exactly the same already has holes in its armor. I'm definitely concerned about having too much on my plate...which I am terrible at dealing with unless it is too much food on an actual plate. I'm worried that with absolutely needing to be better at school, figuring out how to pay for things/finding a job I want, and hopefully keeping the relationship I'm in, one of those things will not happen. It feels like "oh, fourth year Donovan, screw up this time, and you'll be fucked". I know, my life could be worse. But, I just can't shake all those feelings. Things are still odd after France. Walking around campus I felt misplaced. Abercrombie and frisbee instead of gothic chic and rolled cigarettes? Bizarre. My first day of French class, I was listening to my prof speak, and I totally zoned out in a haze of drudged up memories and got emotional just hearing a French woman speak again. It was so much easier for me to understand, and I even understand the way she teaches better now. Of course she wants us to interrupt her and vehemently disagree! Et si on veut bavarder et fait des petites blagues, tant mieux! Sufficed to say, I'm still cautious, but a lot more comfortable here now than I was the day I got back on campus. For now.

I need to finish reading/paper writing/packing/go to work/eat/go home/see the bf/drink/do it/be hungover/do housework/get things in order. I'll try and give more attention to lj and leave comments for yall later. TGIF wooo0oo0o000o0oo0ooot.

down, down, dooown

Posted on 2008.06.24 at 23:18
Tags: , , ,
I was just watching a show about gardens in the Midwest, and one of the sections was about a man who created his own world-class, internationally recognized garden. Fountains, stone pathways, hundreds of different plants, the whole shebang. The centerpiece of this garden is a replica statue of David, located in an ornately designed patio. They spent a while talking about the statue, how he made it, etc. Then at the end of the segment, they show a shot of the garden and I realize something is different about the statue...there's a LEAF COVERING HIS JUNK. Hahaha. I was like...really? You made an iconic symbol of human beauty the focal point of your magnificent natural garden, and covered him up because you just can't handle a penis? Bitch, pleeease.

Yeah, I'm pretty damn depressed. The week after I got back was a flurry of seeing familiar faces again...and then it felt like my happiness level took a nosedive. Mainly because I still have not managed to find a job (wtf, arghhh) and am feeling pretty damn grim about my financial situation, which is terrible. I knew it would be. But still. Maybe it's also that I just got pulled out of a mentally stimulating environment and put in one better described as mentally stagnant. It's like 80% of my emotional makeup recently has been either bored, frustrated, or horny for Clément. I thought I would feel better seeing all my relatives at my cousin's graduation, but instead I just felt really strange. Like I couldn't explain anything well, like I didn't have the motivation to, like I was mentally elsewhere. One of my aunts asked if I'd found a girlfriend in France...lol. Needless to say; a smoke would be nice sometime soon. Which will have to wait until after I get HIRED >:(

I went to a party in Saint Paul with my sis Saturday night. It mainly just reminded me how little I actually know about that city. There's never a reason to go there. I never pass through it. I never meet anybody from there. Odd. Some dude at the party went into a Hillary-Clinton-is-a-maniacal-power-hungry-evil-witch rant, which meant I had to disagree because that shit irritates the hell out of me...but that was also enough to begin a political debate amongst drunk people at a messy party. St00pid -_-

Samantha: I never leave underwear at a guy's place because I never see it again.
Charlotte: What happens to it?
Samantha: Nothing, I just never go back.


your mind is in disturbia

Posted on 2008.06.14 at 11:07
Current Location: Saint Louis Park, Minnesota
Current Music: my mom singing Sweet Home Alabama, haha

Yay: I just went to a sweet Friday the 13th themed rave with my sister and two friends, and enjoyed a very much unexpected blue dolphin as well. In fact I still am enjoying it. I'd been secretly hoping this could be a fun night to release all the remaining weirdness from coming back, and spark me into enjoying American life again. I don't know...raves just recharge my batteries. Well, it was all that, and it was in a skatepark! It was huge, sooo many people. And there was a foam pit? What? We literally had a childish foam pad fight in it, with other people joining in, it was like a snowball fight under lasers with trance blasting. We danced our asses off, watched boarders skate on ramps with people spinning poi and glowsticks at the tops of them. We kept sliding down them, that was fun. I started rolling pretty nicely, and my world expanded and got all funky. I was still missing Clément and it put me in a really amiable mood. He wrote me a really sentimental message, and when I came home and got online to read it again, he was on too, so we talked on msn for three hours. Génial. I just laid in my bed, trippin out to my music (I love music on x), and talkin with mon copain français. It was nice, and I was wired. Geez, I still am, this stuff is good. Tonight was exactly what I needed to remember there's still unexplored territory here, minus Aaron or Lauren there to party with me!

Anyway, for some reason during my little headphone musical bonaventure this new Rihanna song "Disturbia" captured my attention. It's interesting sounding (very synth-pop) --- and the lyrics make NO sense. It's kinda cool, so I'm gonna give it to you, like a thief in the night. Your train of thought will be altered, so if you must faulter be wise, your mind is in disturbia. Lol...

Back in Americaland mais tu me manques...

Posted on 2008.06.13 at 08:58
Current Location: SLP/MN/USA
Current Mood: hothot
It's really too bad I haven't had time to update since April, because now I have no idea how to possibly capture the past month or so in words. Not that I would have been able to anyway...but still, I would have liked to try, because it was amazing, sad, and strange, and the end of the best four and a half months of my life so far. I think I'm gonna try cover a few things though. I'll start with what was probably my favorite thing about my study abroad experience; le copain.

I don't remember exactly when we met, but it was basically through Laurie, a French girl my friend Hilary had met at parenage. The first night we met her and two of her friends at a bar, they seemed a little uncomfortable and very quiet, and left just a few minutes after coming down from the bar to meet us. The next night, Hilary asked if she should tell Laurie to come meet us in another bar...thank god we said yes, because she brought a menagerie of French people with her, including Clément. I knew they were fun when they walked in the door and one girl was already having noticeable balance issues. Anyway, the first time I met him, he said something like "oh pleased to meet you, asshole!" After that night, we started going out with them regularly. I thought Clément was pretty damn funny right away...and then I started thinking he was hot. I tried to subtly hit on him once even though I really didn't think he was interested in guys (facebook, oh how it lies), sitting close to him the entire night, almost putting my arm around him...that was a few nights before I wrote this entry. That continued for a while, until I got a message from him one night that said something like "hey mon chou, ça vous dit se retrouver à 22h-22h30 à St. Anne?" I asked my host mom if there was always an amorous connotation to "chou" and she responded with "hm, yep, that probably means she likes you". I told her a guy sent it and she told me to watch out, haha.

After the bars closed later that night, Clément, Jarno, Hilary and myself went back to my place and wrestled around, ate cereal, played with clementines, and fell asleep on my (very large) bed. Hilary and Jarno left kinda early the next morning leaving Clément and I alone together. I then spent a confused 20 minutes trying to inch closer and figure out if I should a) make a move or b) not make a move because it'd be super awkward if he was straight...which I still assumed he was. Well, he got up to get a drink, laid back down, and put his arm around me (which was amazing) aaand that was basically the start of our relationship. Apparently, he'd told me he was bi the night before, but I hadn't remembered because I'd been too drunk...sooo stupid. The next two days I was busy frantically planning my haphazard two week trip to the Netherlands, but we went to l'Emblème the night before I left...and my apartment later, which was awesome and meant I was pretty tired when I woke up at 5am to catch my train. I ended up really not liking the people I went with, and missing him/Rennes a lot of the time. Just reading his texts would make me hard. Actually, pretty much anything he did made me hard, including speaking English (which he didn't do often) because he can write it pretty well but his accent is, well, French ;)

It seems like I've always had trouble finding anything other than slightly to very effeminate gay dudes in the US in terms of romantic possibilities. Or even just as friends. I love my flaming queens, but that's not the type of guy I am, and it's not the type of guy I'm attracted to. In France however, finding attractive masculine bi/gay dudes was like shooting fish in a barrel. I didn't even have to do anything because they just seemed to find me. Clément is no different, and it rocked having a boyfriend like that. For this reason, I think it's safe to say he's probably the first guy I've ever had real feelings for. Sometimes I'd wonder if jumping into a relationship was a bad idea, sometimes I'd wonder if I was in love, having little firsthand knowledge of either of those words. But whenever I was with him, whenever I'd feel his hand on my leg at the bar or kiss him at our usual meeting place before going out...all that pondering would dissolve and I'd just feel happy. Funny how that works. And he's hilarious (and lacks inhibitions when it comes to anything vulgar, just my type!), so that made every soirée just that much more entertaining. I think one of my favorite days in Rennes was when we slept at his friends house, ate lunch with his mom the next day, and then just hung out in a park for a few hours, laying in the grass and talking. Oh and btw, sex with someone you actually care about = waaay better. What a discovery, I know.

The last week and change in Rennes was not pretty...it was odd seeing people I'd grown close to in only a few months just drop off the face of the earth, and I got pretty emotional thinking about my own departure an innumerable amount of times. I spent my last two nights in Rennes at Clément's place, and just before I gave my host mom her key back, she finally asked me something about him. I'd been wanting to tell her more about him for a while, and I couldn't even say more than a few words because I felt myself choking up thinking about leaving. In stark contrast to saying goodbye to my host family, which was superficial and somewhat relieving, saying goodbye to him was more, oh, I don't know, traumatic. When I got on the TGV and left for Paris, I think I cried more than I ever have before. And I don't cry. The last time was at my uncle's funeral when I was 16!!! I could barely wave goodbye from inside the train. My whole body felt tingly and prickly, especially on my left side...what the hell, heartattack? It was so damn odd. I'd already been thinking about how there was a lot I never got the chance to say and lot we never did together, but it just hit me all at once again, and I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was being physically torn away, like there hadn't been enough time, like it juuust wasn't fair. That train ride sucked, and the two days I spent in Paris before I left Europe weren't much better thanks to crappy weather, myself being deprimé'd, and irritating friend/couchsurfer issues.

Before I left Rennes, I bought a fake Rue de la Soif sign at a poster store. Bet purchase ever? Possibly. It's pretty sturdy and has a postcard-esque space on the back. Rue de la Soif, which means "street of thirst" was the bar-rich center of our social lives in Rennes, and the very name brings up sooo many memories of laughter, drunken escapades, random encounters with awesome (and not so awesome) French people. And that's the kind of shit I live for! It was also where I met Clément, and basically all of my French friends. Anyway, the morning I left, he wrote a brief letter on the back of this sign and put a little picture of himself where the stamp should go...how cute is that?! He also wrote "je t'aime" on it (j'adore qu'il a fait ça)...and I definitely remember the first time he said that. Without a doubt, it's my favorite souvenir. Yeah, that thing is staying with me forever. I had an iron grip on the bag containing it the entire time in the City of Lights.

I realized when I came to Europe I started to forget about the people who didn't really matter to me in the states, and to some degree even those who did. I was freaking out thinking the same was going to happen to the people and places I'd discovered in France. I'd say it's inevitable, but then again, I always felt like things were missing from my life in the states and I think I found a good number of them in France, so I'm guessing I'll be going back when the money is there. He says he wants to come visit the United States sometime soon, so who knows. There are a lot of students who had amazing experiences with their host families, but I definitely did not. However, les amis français were pretty damn fun, and meeting my first boyfriend in a foreign country was just génial. Considering what I wanted out of this past semester (and that was to learn colloquial French, rake in the new experiences, and bang European men), I'm more than happy with how it went. Not gonna lie though, this summer I'm reeeally gonna miss seeing his cute lil smile on a regular basis and sneaking him into my room all the time!

*Clémbite, si tu lis cet article de journal, salope, j'étais déjà en train de l'écrire ici, mais c'est pas quelque'chose façile à faire...et en plus, je pense que mon anglais est un peu pire maintenant, hooray! Peut-être c'est ton tour d'écrire un article de MOI dans ton livejournal??? Sinon, tu es obligé de m'envoyer photos de ton cul, j'suis excité et c'est ta faute toujours. Je t'aime mon chou!*

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